Going through the process of hurt and pain it usually becomes a little bit easier to write deep meaningful jargon's and make it sound like oh my god life couldn't get more tragic than what it seems, or there can't be a more circumstantially challenged victim, aimless & clueless, and playing the blame game. So it would be safe to say I am technically doing it right, following the procedure to the T ! infact a notch higher by adding a few of my own nuances and can proclaim myself as a tragic diva.
Victimizing, as soul satisfying as it can be I realised eventually that it failed to provide me any comfort, after a point I even lost the plot for it too..going back in my thoughts to design a new reason altogether so that I could conveniently sink in sulking surrounded by self loathe, and then one day it just wasn't me no matter what all life has thrown at me yet being a victim in my head is still understood but this becoming a way of life just didn't seem to fit in right. I endured pain and hurt for reasons which didn't justify the actions so as sense may prevail, when everything yet seemed to go wrong around me, being a victim and acting it out as it dawned onto me was a bigger self-inflicted torture.
Some events in life cannot be governed by us, it happens for without any of our control and at times (mostly) is disliked, liked or loved by us. So coming back to my tragedy diva like happenings I could not begin a cycle of sorts by bringing upon the same pain to people I love and who deserve to create better memories with us, destiny plays its game and to wait and watch and understand why some things / events took place at that point in time is a thrill in itself. I am still a victim, deathly in pain, hurt beyond repair and an abysmal strength stemmed out of it all is a lethal mix. We learn from our actions, mistakes, knowingly & unknowingly too. I would be taking these lessons, incorporate it in reality (with a pinch of salt and a shot of tequila) what people term as common found maturity evolving from age & yet honestly now there is a totally different drama that unfolds as grand as a 70mm technicolor motion picture in my head each and every minute, a world for just me to devour, my space, my dream a place where not destiny but I play the scriptwriter. It rains in romance, plays music from the heart, brings a smile for moments out of flashback and tears when the absence of a loved one is felt by the soul. (Day) Dreams like these sometimes I feel can put Mills & Boons to shame. :-)
