Nights like these where my tears don't stop... Where I can't stop feeling this way... Where my stomach can't stop churning and yet it's eerily comforting because times like these validates myself that my emotions are still alive and even though I try to escape it, bring on a facade each day this is the real me!! I feel pain.. A deep, heart wrenching, soul stirring... 

I yearn for love, for life, for moments and memories... But what shall I complain of because the bruises & regret are all a part of it and those are the memories ... The moments that I lived and loved the most is what brings back the tears.. Ah! The circle of life...! :-)

“A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.”  - Rumi 

Going through the process of hurt and pain it usually becomes a little bit easier to write deep meaningful jargon's and make it sound like oh my god life couldn't get more tragic than what it seems, or there can't be a more circumstantially challenged victim, aimless & clueless, and playing the blame game. So it would be safe to say I am technically doing it right, following the procedure to the T ! infact a notch higher by adding a few of my own nuances and can proclaim myself as a tragic diva.


Victimizing, as soul satisfying as it can be I realised eventually that it failed to provide me any comfort, after a point I even lost the plot for it too..going back in my thoughts to design a new reason altogether so that I could conveniently sink in sulking surrounded by self loathe, and then one day it just wasn't me no matter what all life has thrown at me yet being a victim in my head is still understood but this becoming a way of life just didn't seem to fit in right. I endured pain and hurt for reasons which didn't justify the actions so as sense may prevail, when everything yet seemed to go wrong around me, being a victim and acting it out as it dawned onto me was a bigger self-inflicted torture. 


Some events in life cannot be governed by us, it happens for without any of our control and at times (mostly) is disliked, liked or loved by us. So coming back to my tragedy diva like happenings I could not begin a cycle of sorts by bringing upon the same pain to people I love and who deserve to create better memories with us, destiny plays its game and to wait and watch and understand why some things / events took place at that point in time is a thrill in itself. I am still a victim, deathly in pain, hurt beyond repair and an abysmal strength stemmed out of it all is a lethal mix. We learn from our actions, mistakes, knowingly & unknowingly too. I would be taking these lessons, incorporate it in reality (with a pinch of salt and a shot of tequila) what people term as common found maturity evolving from age & yet honestly now there is a totally different drama that unfolds as grand as a 70mm technicolor motion picture in my head each and every minute, a world for just me to devour, my space, my dream a place where not destiny but I play the scriptwriter. It rains in romance, plays music from the heart, brings a smile for moments out of flashback and tears when the absence of a loved one is felt by the soul. (Day) Dreams like these sometimes I feel can put Mills & Boons to shame.  :-)

bittersweet melancholy

oblivion ... that is what i fear and what i have faced each time ... sitting in my room ... is like the sheer fact hitting hard on my face ... poking unto me incessantly to make me realise how my decisions are to doubt and that how much ever conviction and heart i put in them they always turn out to stab me in my back, betrayal !... so painful it makes me numb... tough to decipher is this how life is suppose to treat me everytime then why do I make the effort of being honest ... banking on gut instincts ... is such a bitch ... life has yet to teach me how to be selfish in love a lesson if understood maybe the pain might lessen ... and even though the road to guilt wud begin ... treacherous yet manageable i guess... heart aches are much worse than anyone can anticipate.. 


victim of circumstances or destinys child for either one would not suffice the coarse journey it represents ... and although turns are brought along as a surprise rather uninvited too .... i take it all with a nod ... acceptance ... adjustment ... it becoming a part of life ... and I becoming more complacent ...victimizing oneself has been such an effortless and satisfying experience to say the least, to make believe that everything that revolves around me has been a hoax or in pertinence to negate my wishes...feelings...wants...engulfed in bitterness ... wow ! just absolutely surreal... completely forgetting the purpose or even the reasons for all the happenings during this walk of life that i have embarked upon ...insults became more dearer than tender words of love ... was I feeling trapped or trapping myself in misery, well, go figure ... 

About fears and funny feelings ....

funny feeling in my guts tonight - maybe fear of loosing, fear of being abandoned ... it drives me insane, yet at times it can be the reason to hang on and not let go. A lot of pent up emotions has been churning about within likewise a  lethal mix of anxiety, frustration and helplessness so to describe such a concoction would be a futile attempt. It is the on set of winter yet again, chill in the air also a sea of memories flood my senses and maybe this is what is causing the distress besides a pointless journey, unsatisfying pursuit absolutely a dead end with no detours. It has become a ritual rather to pretend, happiness and glee... though each time it becomes a much harder task to dawn as the pain and hurt seem to overpower the need to satiate societal musts. My friends were right, sadness and hurt inspires me to write and why not it has been the driving force to understand what life has to offer me as each time it has been a struggle. Struggle to live, survive and just move ahead. Though I have come to understand till now is that to live life simply is the most toughest endeavor.

~ February ~

February ... month of the seasonal transition .. month that evokes the emotions of nostalgia and reminiscing ... & of love :-)) .. i guess the thought of it brings a smile to many ... it does to me .. it may not have any relevance whatsoever yet for me it stems from memories and emotions of my good ol' days and love that urges me to write something ... been a while now since i havent been able to blog about anything...lack of inspiration i guess and then India Trip happened..meeting with friends and family brought back the warmth and zeal in this mortal self..love is in the air and its getting more and more contagious i guess seeing so many of my frnds getting hitched ! ... :-O .. for a singleton like me love is an everyday phenomena i share with various relations and people ... my mom, sis, adorable nieces, friends, myself ;-)) ! .. n then the rest of the materialistic aspect follows like food, clothes, shoes blah! blah! blah!! ...!!! but isnt it funny that it is just these particularly few odd days that everyone around seems to be walking over the cloud trying to prove/display their love ... actually it is undeniably sweet though...and so this experience is yet to be known and felt but to be a witness of such an intense fervor is a delight... 

Crimson & Scattered ...

Distorted thoughts, have a lot and a desire to put forth everything in words but since sometime now i have not been able to bring myself to register anything, any feeling, any emotion. I find myself loosing a bit of me and gaining a lot of nothingness. Seems easy for people to give out sweet and comforting words yet the truth remains unchanged that the void lingers... Today i saw something so beautiful, it looked as if straight out of an artist's canvas ... the sun illuminated the sky with its golden, rose tinted radiance through the gloom of roving grey clouds... It made me smile... Life is beautiful... reasons to revel in it is what I have to now discover... everyday... every moment... I fathom that the bruise will remain, the hurt will be cherished too but only I could bring happiness to me... 

bruised and how .....

with or without you ... with or without youu.. i cant liveee.... with or without youu.. 


epitomizes the thoughts in my head so true... letting go of myself yet again... yet again free-falling... feeling the rush of pain from the bruises, the love, the addiction... i smile throughtout the whole journey as I know that inspite of everything that I want, the indifference supercedes the want ... the ignorance paints a grim picture .. ugly, lonely & dark ... I am slowly coming to be in the presence of nothingness and though I would want to walk away from this all, I would not be able to ... The numbing silence of the night is the most dreaded hour when I am invariably consumed with my emotions and I cannot help but wonder how life could get so unfair ... how when everything looked to be falling in place suddenly fell apart ... how the tears go unnoticed every night.. how days on end it becomes difficult to put on a mask for people around to not let them see through the sort of mortal that I have come to be ... often drowning is the answer rather than floating around being helpless ... yet i am surviving .... hoping that someday i will start to live...